I mentioned in my last blog how
some days hold greater significance than others, and although I try my best not
to weigh too much pressure on certain dates sometimes they come at you by
surprise. When I applied to do the Inverness 5K as my March challenge I hadn’t
realised that the 11th March was Mother’s Day this year, it sort of
took my breath away when I found out. I hadn’t planned to do anything to mark
the day, but it seemed that chance or fate or whatever you like to believe had
other ideas. It seemed like a great tribute to my mum and also inspired me to
dress up in bright colours with, of course, a touch of bling. As the day
approached it felt like Mother’s Day this year was on overdrive, I’m sure it’s always
the same way but this was my first since losing mum and every pink sign or
bunch of flowers in the supermarket felt like a personal attack. Luckily, I had
the race to worry about and that was a big distraction. When I woke up that
Sunday my first thought was about the race, it was only when I turned on the
radio that it suddenly hit me, it was Mother’s Day! Tears started to run uncontrollably
down my face and continued to do so for most of the morning, it was only when
the time came for me to don my tutu and spray my hair orange that they stopped,
and I was able to pull myself together. The race itself was a lot of fun and I
felt a massive sense of achievement when I’d finished, which was even greater when
I saw how much money people had donated. It was a day filled with a whole range
of emotions, and much more difficult than I had anticipated, but I am glad I
was able to turn a difficult day into a positive one.
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| Race preparation |
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| Almost there! |
This Mother’s Day was of course
difficult for me and my family because it was the first since my mum’s passing,
but I noticed that morning listening to the radio and later on social media
that amongst all the saccharine and sentiment people were also acknowledging
that it can be a difficult day for many people for a variety of reasons. People
may have lost a parent or child, they may never have known them, they may have
a difficult relationship with them or, one that struck a chord with me, they may
not have children, either by choice or circumstances. It seemed like the perfect
time for me to write about an aspect of my treatment that has been very difficult
for me to talk about previously, and that is fertility. You may wonder why I am
writing this blog post now, weeks after Mother’s Day, that is because every
time I sit down to write about it something stops me, it’s an incredibly emotive
subject I suppose, and I’m aware it will bring up different things for
different people. For me in taps into the whole ‘single thirty-something woman
going to die alone Bridget Jones style’ anxiety.
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When I turned 35 I was very aware
of that biological clock ticking, 35 was my ‘scary age’, the age that I thought
I really should have my life together by now, but I didn’t. I knew that 35 was
the age that pregnancies begin to be seen as higher risk, but even with that I thought
the only thing I had to worry about was finding someone with whom I would one
day want to have a baby. It didn’t really cross my mind that I might not be
able to have one due to any other reason than a lack of a father. I didn’t know
that at the age of 35 I would be facing a breast cancer diagnosis and the
possibility that my fertility could be irreversibly damaged by chemotherapy.
I imagine anyone who has been
through a diagnosis like this is aware of the number of booklets and leaflets
that get thrust at you, many of them very helpful, although most ended up in
what I call my ‘Cancer box’ ready to be read at a later date. I did, however,
read the “Younger women with breast cancer” booklet the day before I saw my surgeon
to discuss treatment options, so I was prepared to ask questions about
fertility. As soon as my surgeon advised me that I may need chemotherapy I
asked him about fertility, and he asked “Do you want to have children?”. Do you
want to have children? It’s not really a question I had spent a lot of time
thinking about, what’s the point if you haven’t met the person that you would
have said children with?! Certainly not a question I could answer in this
particular moment. “I don’t know. I think so. Let’s put it this way, it’s all I’ve
been thinking about since you told me I had Cancer, so it must be important to
me.” Is pretty much the answer I remember giving. There are certain criteria that
need to be met in order for the NHS to provide fertility preserving procedures,
I was lucky enough to fulfil those criteria, so within a few weeks I was
travelling back and forth to Aberdeen for investigations that were, let’s just
say, not the most pleasant (when the doctor said ultrasound I just assumed it
was external! Doh!), injecting myself with hormones at a time when I was
already feeling rather sensitive, and finally going through what was, for me
at least, a rather painful and distressing egg retrieval procedure (not quite
sure what the paracetamol and sedatives were supposed to achieve but I have to
say they didn’t seem to touch me!). I’m not trying to scare anyone who is about
to go through this, in the grand scheme of things it really wasn’t that bad,
but when I asked about fertility I really wasn’t really prepared for what was
coming. The procedure was successful and
I had a good number of eggs frozen, again making me feel relatively lucky, and
although they did stop for a while, my periods returned a few months after
finishing chemotherapy (apologies if this is TMI!), but this whole experience
has left me with a fear that I had never experienced before, and the hormone
tablets that I am taking mean that if I do want to try to have children in the next 10
years it will have to be well planned and will come with some risks.
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| Some of the booklets making up my 'Cancer box' |
A cancer diagnosis at any age is
a scary thing. When you are a younger person there are extra considerations. I
cannot begin to imagine how it feels for parents of young children to go
through this when they have people depending on them. For that part I had it
easy, nobody was depending on me as I went through chemo, if I was having a bad
day I didn’t have to get up and make breakfast or change nappies or take the
kids to school, I could be selfish. But for a single and childless person, I
have to say, it is very difficult in a different way, your whole future is being
re-written, at least that’s how it felt for me.
I feel so grateful for all the
support I have received along the way; Maggie’s Highland have recently started a
Younger Women’s Support group where you can talk about these issues with people
who understand what you are going through. I also recently attended a conference
organised by Breast Cancer Care called Younger Women Together, where one of the
topics covered (among many) was fertility. I got a lot of good information and
advice, and again met other people who understood and have gone through a
similar experience. What I did learn though is that everyone’s experience is
different, if you are about to go through this make sure you are prepared and ask
lots of questions, some people can feel rushed or forced into a decision that
they are not comfortable with. I won’t go too much into this, but if you have
any questions I would suggest talking to your BCN (if you have a good one),
contacting Breast Cancer Care or speaking to someone in your local Maggie’s or if you prefer online at YBCN (sorry most of these are breast cancer specific with the exception of Maggie's).
So there you go, what was for me the hardest
part of the whole cancer experience, and also the hardest thing to write about. I could probably have written a lot more, but I don't want to bore you. I hope that writing about it helps people to understand some of the issues that
are faced by younger people experiencing a cancer diagnosis, I am aware (as my
doctor also pointed out) that I am not actually THAT young (LOL) but for the
purposes of this blog I hope you’ll let me away with this one! 😉
Finally, I am still going with my
fundraising challenges for Maggie’s, April’s challenge - the Kitchen Table-athon, may seem a bit of a
cop out, a month of eating cake! LOL! But I wanted a break from asking for
sponsorship and instead try to get people to help me fundraise in a different
way. I am asking if anyone would like to throw a small fundraising party at
their home or perhaps a wee bake sale at work? My niece got the ball rolling
with her bun sale at school and raised an amazing amount, I am organising a
small get together at my flat (unfortunately due to the size of my flat I’ve
had to limit the numbers somewhat), but would love it if others would get
involved. To me the challenge part of this would be to try and travel to attend
any events people put on, although I realise I’ve left it a bit late to explain
all of this. The kitchen table day can be any excuse to get people round, an
afternoon tea, curry night, cocktail party, anything! All you need to do is
host a party and ask your friends for a donation. If anyone would like to do
this please get in touch with me! Thank you!
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| Lily's bun sale |
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| My clever niece |
Oh and here’s the link to my JustGiving
page:
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