Well it’s that time of year again! The dark nights are
drawing in, the jumpers are out and the heating is on. We’re starting to wonder
where the summer went and worry about the long winter ahead. The leaves are turning
golden and falling off the trees, and the change of season is so beautifully
apparent. I don’t know about everyone else, but this time of year always gets
me looking back and reminiscing a bit, this may be in part due to a now annual
tradition I have with some friends to meet every October for a spa weekend.
Sometimes it is our only chance during the year to get together and chat, so of
course there is a lot of looking back at the year since we last met. This year
was no different, and wow how things have changed for me in the last year. I
don’t think I realised it at the time, but last October was probably when I was
at my lowest point since my diagnosis and losing mum. At first when all the bad
stuff was happening, I kinda just got on with things. I suppose it was survival
mode, but when the time came for me to get back to ‘normal’ I suddenly fell
apart. Perhaps not as dramatically as it sounds but I slowly just stopped
functioning. With the way I was feeling at the time, just managing the drive to
the spa last year was in itself an accomplishment. When I arrived I remember
sitting there telling my friends that I was ‘taking a few days off work’, which
actually in reality turned into 6 months. I remember feeling a sense of achievement
for swimming a few lengths of the pool and how self-conscious I was with my new
body shape and short greying hair. This year was quite different, I went for an
8 mile training run before even setting off to the spa, my hair is now a short pinky/purple
bob and I’ve lost most of the weight I put on during treatment. I’ve been back
to work (albeit part time) for 6 months now and am gradually starting to look
to the future and plan my life a little. You might be fooled into thinking I am
‘back to normal’, but as I touched on a little in my last blog, I’m not sure
that will ever happen. Too much has changed in me, some things will come back
with time I’m sure, but others are irreversible. My memory still isn’t great,
my confidence in my own abilities and my tolerance for stress have been
severely affected, but I’m hoping time will eventually help with these. There
is definitely now a pressure to ‘put things behind you’ and ‘move on’ after all
it’s been a while since I finished treatment now, and believe me I am trying. I
don’t keep ranting on about Cancer because I like it, to be honest I’d love to
forget all about it, I’m sure there are people who can, but for most of us it’s
just not that easy.
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| Hot tub with a view on my spa weekend! |
I guess that leads me to my next point, yes, it’s that time
of year again! Every time you turn on your TV there’s a programme or advertisement
about Cancer, every time you switch on your radio there is an interview with a
Cancer ‘survivor’ (oh man do I hate that term) and every time you go on social
media you are asked to post pink hearts or some such rubbish! Yes, it’s Breast
Cancer Awareness Month, Stoptober and the month of Stand Up to Cancer (SU2C)!
Yey!! Apologies for the sarcasm there, I have nothing against the awareness
building and fundraising (I’d be a bit of a hypocrite if I did, wouldn’t I?)
but in October it does become a bit much for me. I talk about Cancer a lot (as
you know) it’s become part of the day to day reality for me and many of my
friends here, so I thought I was desensitised, I thought I was immune……but no, just
last week I found myself bursting into tears when I heard something on the radio about
Breast Cancer, not great when you’re driving home from work. The constant
bombardment during October is somewhat hard to take, despite all the good it
may be doing.
October is also the month in which you’ll find World Mental
Health Day (blink and you’ll miss it!), I’m a little bit puzzled as to why
Breast Cancer gets a whole month and mental health gets a day, but I’m sure there
is something I’m missing. Over recent
years we’ve gotten a lot better at talking about mental health, but there
clearly is still a long way to go. One of the reasons I love Maggie’s so much
and am always recommending the centres to people and desperately trying to
raise money for them, is because they understand the importance that mental health
plays in dealing with a Cancer diagnosis (be it your own or that of a friend or
family member). Last year when I was at my lowest point I started to see the
clinical psychologist at Maggie’s, I received counselling that I would have had
to wait a long time to receive on the NHS, and I have to say it was the best
thing I could’ve done. Going through an illness such as Cancer can be traumatic
enough on its own, but it can also unearth a whole load of things from the past
that you may not have dealt with or amplify issues that were already there.
Things that you were just about coping with can easily become too much to deal
with. ‘It’s OK not to be OK’ has become a popular slogan for mental health
awareness, and it’s so true, but recognising or admitting that you’re not OK
and asking for help are incredibly hard things to do. I’ve been told many times
to be kind to myself, to not be so hard on myself, it’s tough advice to take,
but also the advice I would give to anyone out there struggling. There is no
set time in which you should ‘get over it’, don’t compare yourself with others,
we have all had a different diagnosis and treatment plan and we all deal with
things differently. Just because one person is back to work full time and
another is climbing mountains, don’t think that you should be doing the same.
Our bodies and minds recover at different rates and we all have different ways
of coping with things. I know that asking for help is a tough thing to do, but it’s
amazing how much better it can feel just to admit that you are struggling and talk
to someone who understands or can help you to understand.
I do get a little upset with some of the deliberately heart
wrenching stuff on TV especially this month, I definitely don’t see the point
of many of the social media supposed attempts to raise awareness and I find the
‘brave the shave’ campaign downright infuriating. There is, of course, a lot of
good stuff out there too and the money raised does go to great causes, it can
just be difficult to filter out all the rubbish too. So please, by all means watch
the SU2C programmes and donate to these charities, but instead of sharing pink
hearts or other similar posts on fb perhaps you would consider sharing a post
on how to check your boobs…..and then actually check your own boobs (or balls etc
etc!)! Or if you like my blog perhaps you could share it, if it helped
just one person I would be very happy, and if you wanted to go one step further
and share the link to my JustGiving page I’d be incredibly grateful, Maggie’s
is an amazing Cancer charity that doesn’t spend its money on large advertising campaigns,
so they can use all the help they get.
Life can be tough, and it’s not just a Cancer diagnosis that
can lead to some of the issues I’ve been talking about, but as this blog is
mainly about my experience with breast cancer I have chosen to focus on that. If
you are not lucky enough to have access to a local Maggie’s centre there is an
online centre that is open to everyone affected by Cancer. If you have not been
affected by Cancer but would like some help I believe Mind is a very good place
to start for advice.
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