Back to life, back to reality.

I haven’t written a blog for a while because I’ve had total writers’ block. I’ve been trying to figure out why.  The title of the blog has been in my head for some time, back to life, back to reality. In fact, that tune is constantly playing in my head, but the process of getting back to reality is not quite as simple as I’d thought and so I suppose I’ve found it hard to sit down and write about that. I don’t want to complain, I do try hard to stay positive, but I’ve found out that it’s actually much harder to do that now I’m finished with treatment than it was when I was in the middle of it all. Everybody told me that this would be the case, my BCN, the people at Maggie’s, friends that had already been through it and pretty much everything you read online, but somehow, I still wasn’t prepared for it.

In August I had a lovely holiday with my family, it was just what I needed, although it was still a bit of a reminder that I wasn’t my ‘normal’ self. I was tiring easily, paranoid about hiding from the sun (chemo & radiotherapy make you more susceptible) and feeling uncomfortable with the weight I’ve gained during chemo and my short hair (although that was a total blessing in the heat!). I contracted conjunctivitis a few days into the holiday and that freaked me out slightly, a reminder of my vulnerability I suppose. All these were small things though, and to be honest they forced me to slow down and relax, I returned from holiday fully rested and ready for getting back to a bit of normality. That was the plan, finish treatment in July, relax in August, back to reality in September.

The plan for September was simple, move in to my new flat, go back to work, attend the ‘Where now?’ course at Maggie’s, start eating more healthily, exercise more (basically lose all the weight I’ve gained during treatment) and generally get back to the ‘normal’ me, the me before treatment………who am I kidding? I was aiming to be a better improved me, a few steps above normal. No pressure there then!

Relaxing in Jamaica (left) & in my new home (right)

I think you can probably all see where this is going. It’s never really a good idea to try to run before you can walk, not that things went disastrously wrong or anything, but I definitely put too much pressure on myself and struggled to live up to my own high expectations. I did of course move in to my new flat, which is such a welcome change and I’m loving having my own space and a bath! I started my phased return to work and that has been much harder than I expected. Not only do I feel tired after only a few hours but my confidence is completely shot. I can’t really explain why, all I can say is that by all accounts its quite normal. Generally, now, to the outside world I look fine and to be honest that’s the hardest part, the feeling that people expect you to be ‘back to normal’ when inside you’re still a vulnerable, foggy mess. My bosses have been great and very understanding, but I do constantly feel the need to explain myself to my other colleagues, I feel guilty when I leave early or can’t perform tasks to my usual ability, I question myself much more than usual and feel like I’m asking for help more than I should be. Even though I know that I am doing the best I can at the moment, I hate the fact that that isn’t my usual best! I’m not yet up to full time hours, but I feel as though I am. In the time when I’m not at work I feel that I should be doing something productive, but I’m usually far too tired (be it physically or mentally) to do the things I think I should, instead I end up taking advantage of the fact I have a place to myself complete with new TV and Wi-Fi……. It has become far too easy to do nothing!

It’s funny that as I’m writing this I realise quite how many times I’ve used the word ‘should’. I have been told so many times over recent weeks that I am way too hard on myself. The problem is that no matter how many times people tell you that it’s completely normal to struggle after treatment it’s very hard to accept it for yourself, and even when you do not everyone around you understands, how can they if they haven’t been through something similar? I’ve joked several times recently that I need to make business cards or wear a sign around my neck explaining exactly why I’m struggling.

So, September didn’t exactly go to plan. I have started eating more healthily, I think adding a few more vegetables to my diet isn’t going to do me any harm, but the exercise part is still a work in progress. I have upped my activity levels by walking places whenever time allows (which in the mornings isn’t often!) and there was an exercise element to the Where Now? course which forced me to do something, I just need to keep it going now that the course is over. The irony is that all the research says that exercise helps reduce fatigue, but when you’re feeling fatigued it’s incredibly hard to make yourself exercise!

I guess my aim for October is to be a bit kinder to myself and be a bit more realistic with my goals. It’s also a month for catching up with old friends, something I haven’t been able to do for a while.

Cancer has kind of taken over my life, I realised that recently when I looked at my Facebook page and virtually all the posts were somehow cancer related. It can be a bit overwhelming at times, but it can also be something of a security blanket. Surrounding yourself with people that have been through something similar means not having to constantly explain why you feel the way that you do, I guess that’s why I have found returning to work so hard. I’m trying to go back to reality, but my reality has changed, I’m not the same person I was at the beginning of this year and I have to try and figure out how to go ‘back to life’ as the new me.

Does it sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself? I hope not. I do have my moments that’s for sure and maybe this experience has made me a little bit more selfish. I have had to learn to take care of myself more and know my limits, that’s something I’m still working on, but in the grand scheme of things I know I have been very lucky. Surrounding yourself with people who have been through cancer inevitably means that some of those people will not be as lucky as you. I have met a lot of wonderful people who have been through much worse than I have. Some come out of it, sadly others don’t.

October is actually Breast Cancer Awareness month, so my apologies if your fb newsfeeds have been flooded with stories that I have liked and shared, but I think it is important to share the realities of a cancer diagnosis and also to raise awareness so that people check themselves and seek medical advice quickly. I hate pink ribbons and hearts but I’m loving the YBCN #BreastCancerRealities page (btw I didn’t steal the title of my blog from them, it’s actually quite a weird coincidence) it has definitely helped me to put my own life in to perspective, but also reassured me that I’m not alone in the way I’m feeling.

Please be kind 💙

Some of the quotes

on #BreastCancerRealities

Finally, for those of you who are unfamiliar with late 80s British R&B I thought I’d share this video, so you can all have the song stuck in your head too! 😉