When something bad happens and people don’t know what to say or do to make things better we tend to turn to the words of others to find comfort, aphorisms or platitudes, that was certainly true when I was diagnosed and I find myself doing the same things whenever my friends or family are dealing with difficult situations. “In darkness look for stars” “when it rains look for rainbows” “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” etc etc. Sometimes these words bring comfort and other times they are downright annoying, generally though I found them helpful, even if not true, I found comfort in the fact that people wanted to help and make me feel better. It might just be easier to say “This is sh*t and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this” but not everyone is built that way. I’m not a particularly religious person but I have always tried to cling on to the belief that everything happens for a reason, a belief that has become harder and harder to maintain over the years, I still try though, I most definitely can’t find the good in every situation, sometimes people just get pelted with lemons and there’s no sugar in sight, but after a particularly difficult time in my life I feel I’ve managed to come through it with a bit of positivity and I’d like to share my lemonade story.
Two years ago whilst I was going through chemo I had started to go into Maggie’s on my lunch breaks and whenever I felt the need, I was feeling very alone in Inverness, at work although everyone was very kind to me I knew I’d always be the new girl with cancer and that put up certain barriers to making real friendships, as I said above, people don’t know what to say and if the foundation is not already there it’s difficult to form friendships. I would go into Maggie’s but usually sit by myself, I’ve never been the best at making small talk with strangers, I decided the best way to meet people would be to sign up to one of the courses and so I did, a six week Living with Less with Stress course. I didn’t actually feel particularly stressed at the time if I’m honest, I guess I was in survival mode and not really letting things get to me too much, but I knew myself and had a feeling it would all come crashing down on me later and I wanted to be prepared. My goodness, I had no idea to what extent it would come crashing down! The class was full of a mixture of people of various ages, some of whom had been dealing with their own cancer diagnosis, others that were dealing with that of a loved one. I was lucky enough to find myself sat next to a wonderful lady who made me laugh from he outset and quickly became a great friend. I chatted a little with the other people in the group, but I didn’t really get to know any of them all that well because halfway through the course mum passed away and I rushed down to Yorkshire and so didn’t complete it. I saw a few of the people again in Maggie’s but not many.
A year later and my life was quite different, I’d been through an awful time, the stress had most definitely hit me big time, I’d had a lot of time off work and was just starting a phased return. I was feeling rather sorry for myself. I had, however, made an amazing group of friends through Maggie’s and had attended a few different support groups and moving on courses. I had started challenging myself in order to raise money for Maggie’s and had just completed the Inverness 5K which just happened to fall on mother’s day. The emotion of that day spurred me on the write a blog post that for me was one of the hardest and most intimate blogs I have written, not only because I talked about my grief on the loss of my mum, but also because I wrote about the issue of fertility and how it can be affected by cancer treatment. Although this was a very difficult subject for me to write about I felt it was an important one to share. The people at Maggie’s Highlands had asked me some time before if I would like them to share my blog but I had felt a bit unsure about it, but if I was going to share anything I wanted it to be this one, so they did. It was amazing, and also a little intimidating to see quite how many hits my blog got in the days that followed, I’d laid my heart out on screen and talked about myself “dying alone Bridget Jones style” and now complete strangers were reading it, I just had to hope that it would be of some benefit to someone. A few days later I received a message on Facebook from someone who was not a contact of mine “You probably don’t remember me but we were on the stress course together.......I saw your blog on the Maggie’s Highlands page and I felt compelled to get in touch” (paraphrasing slightly). My heart jumped when I saw it, I did remember him, he was very quiet and sat across the room from me, we had never really talked but I remember a lovely smile and a cheeky glint in his eye. I remember a feeling that we had a similar sense of humour from his reaction to certain things and wanting to get to know him better but circumstances just didn’t allow it at the time. I replied and soon we were chatting every day and arranging to meet up (since the course he had moved from Inverness down to Yorkshire, would you believe?!).
Now, another year on, we have just moved in to our first home together. He has changed my life in a way just one year ago I did not believe was possible, I had completely given up all interest in the idea of finding love, after everything I had been through the whole idea just seemed exhausting, not to mention all the insecurities that came with the changes in both my body and mind from the treatment. We have both had our own experience of cancer and that gave us a certain understanding and empathy of each other which I didn’t expect to find. It does, of course, also bring an additional fear. Instead of one appointment a year to worry about there are two, my mammogram and his scan. We are both fine, and the statistics are in our favour, but that doesn’t stop the worry both for ourselves and each other.
This last year I have challenged myself in so many ways, but I have to say allowing myself to see some light at the end of the tunnel has probably been the hardest part, being happy is scary, past experience taught me to expect the worst. In my last blog I spoke a little about my demons and I guess that is one of the biggest. Now, with the London Marathon just two weeks away I am once again reminding myself how far I have come, and also paying tribute to the special man in my life who has been there for so many of my challenges over the year, cheering me on, taking photos, organising me when I need it (and sometimes when I don’t), cooking for me, pouring ever important G&Ts, running me hot baths when I my legs have given in, listening to me shout and complain and comforting me when I cried.....a lot! He has even joined me in some challenges and has taken on the unenviable task of coaching me for the marathon, so if I make it to the finish line it will be a huge thanks to him.......and if I don’t I have someone to blame!!! 😉
Hmmmmm, this has all gotten a bit soppy hasn’t it?? Please excuse me, I blame the hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for this complete personality transplant! I think I just wanted to share this happy story for once, because although in the darkest times it feels like there is no end in sight, it is possible to come out the other end. This is definitely not the end of the struggles for me, I’m still trying to find my new normal after treatment and the grief does sometimes just hit me like a bolt out of nowhere, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
Two years ago whilst I was going through chemo I had started to go into Maggie’s on my lunch breaks and whenever I felt the need, I was feeling very alone in Inverness, at work although everyone was very kind to me I knew I’d always be the new girl with cancer and that put up certain barriers to making real friendships, as I said above, people don’t know what to say and if the foundation is not already there it’s difficult to form friendships. I would go into Maggie’s but usually sit by myself, I’ve never been the best at making small talk with strangers, I decided the best way to meet people would be to sign up to one of the courses and so I did, a six week Living with Less with Stress course. I didn’t actually feel particularly stressed at the time if I’m honest, I guess I was in survival mode and not really letting things get to me too much, but I knew myself and had a feeling it would all come crashing down on me later and I wanted to be prepared. My goodness, I had no idea to what extent it would come crashing down! The class was full of a mixture of people of various ages, some of whom had been dealing with their own cancer diagnosis, others that were dealing with that of a loved one. I was lucky enough to find myself sat next to a wonderful lady who made me laugh from he outset and quickly became a great friend. I chatted a little with the other people in the group, but I didn’t really get to know any of them all that well because halfway through the course mum passed away and I rushed down to Yorkshire and so didn’t complete it. I saw a few of the people again in Maggie’s but not many.
A year later and my life was quite different, I’d been through an awful time, the stress had most definitely hit me big time, I’d had a lot of time off work and was just starting a phased return. I was feeling rather sorry for myself. I had, however, made an amazing group of friends through Maggie’s and had attended a few different support groups and moving on courses. I had started challenging myself in order to raise money for Maggie’s and had just completed the Inverness 5K which just happened to fall on mother’s day. The emotion of that day spurred me on the write a blog post that for me was one of the hardest and most intimate blogs I have written, not only because I talked about my grief on the loss of my mum, but also because I wrote about the issue of fertility and how it can be affected by cancer treatment. Although this was a very difficult subject for me to write about I felt it was an important one to share. The people at Maggie’s Highlands had asked me some time before if I would like them to share my blog but I had felt a bit unsure about it, but if I was going to share anything I wanted it to be this one, so they did. It was amazing, and also a little intimidating to see quite how many hits my blog got in the days that followed, I’d laid my heart out on screen and talked about myself “dying alone Bridget Jones style” and now complete strangers were reading it, I just had to hope that it would be of some benefit to someone. A few days later I received a message on Facebook from someone who was not a contact of mine “You probably don’t remember me but we were on the stress course together.......I saw your blog on the Maggie’s Highlands page and I felt compelled to get in touch” (paraphrasing slightly). My heart jumped when I saw it, I did remember him, he was very quiet and sat across the room from me, we had never really talked but I remember a lovely smile and a cheeky glint in his eye. I remember a feeling that we had a similar sense of humour from his reaction to certain things and wanting to get to know him better but circumstances just didn’t allow it at the time. I replied and soon we were chatting every day and arranging to meet up (since the course he had moved from Inverness down to Yorkshire, would you believe?!).
Now, another year on, we have just moved in to our first home together. He has changed my life in a way just one year ago I did not believe was possible, I had completely given up all interest in the idea of finding love, after everything I had been through the whole idea just seemed exhausting, not to mention all the insecurities that came with the changes in both my body and mind from the treatment. We have both had our own experience of cancer and that gave us a certain understanding and empathy of each other which I didn’t expect to find. It does, of course, also bring an additional fear. Instead of one appointment a year to worry about there are two, my mammogram and his scan. We are both fine, and the statistics are in our favour, but that doesn’t stop the worry both for ourselves and each other.
This last year I have challenged myself in so many ways, but I have to say allowing myself to see some light at the end of the tunnel has probably been the hardest part, being happy is scary, past experience taught me to expect the worst. In my last blog I spoke a little about my demons and I guess that is one of the biggest. Now, with the London Marathon just two weeks away I am once again reminding myself how far I have come, and also paying tribute to the special man in my life who has been there for so many of my challenges over the year, cheering me on, taking photos, organising me when I need it (and sometimes when I don’t), cooking for me, pouring ever important G&Ts, running me hot baths when I my legs have given in, listening to me shout and complain and comforting me when I cried.....a lot! He has even joined me in some challenges and has taken on the unenviable task of coaching me for the marathon, so if I make it to the finish line it will be a huge thanks to him.......and if I don’t I have someone to blame!!! 😉
Hmmmmm, this has all gotten a bit soppy hasn’t it?? Please excuse me, I blame the hormone therapy (Tamoxifen) for this complete personality transplant! I think I just wanted to share this happy story for once, because although in the darkest times it feels like there is no end in sight, it is possible to come out the other end. This is definitely not the end of the struggles for me, I’m still trying to find my new normal after treatment and the grief does sometimes just hit me like a bolt out of nowhere, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
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| Cheers from our new home! (That's lemonade, honest!) |
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