So as I’m sat on the train making my way back up to Inverness for my two year check up I thought I’d have a lot of time to sit and reminisce and perhaps get nervous about my up coming appointments, but the wonder that is the rail service in this country decided to intervene with delays, which together with freezing cold temperatures has managed to direct my thoughts and worry in another direction! LOL, at least some good can come out of all the disruption! I remember writing a blog around this time last year explaining how the 2nd Feb is a bit like my New Year now, it’s the date when my annual mammogram is due, now two years since I was referred to Oncology to start my treatment. Last year I wasn’t particularly nervous about the appointment, I was still receiving my Herceptin injections and felt pretty protected after all the chemo and radiotherapy, this year is a little bit different. It’s now a while since I finished treatment, I’ve moved away from the bubble that was my life in Inverness with all the support systems I had gathered there, I have finally managed to lose the 10kg (1.5 stone) I gained during treatment, and I’m in a happy relationship. I’m looking to the future and life is feeling good, and that is really scary. Something is bound to go wrong now surely?? Every time I examine my breasts I think I find a lump.....then 5 minutes later it’s not there. My mind is playing tricks on me, and I know exactly why, but can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my head. Hopefully tomorrow will ease that a little bit. I guess these demons are normal, I suppose it’s natural to worry about these things, but I do wish I could turn it off!
So this date now not only signifies my annual check, but this year it also marks the end of my year of Challenges for Maggie’s! When I first had the idea last January I had no idea how this year would work out! I had no idea the amount of money I would raise, I certainly didn’t realise the crazy things people were willing to do to help me along the way. I have been so incredibly touched by all the support I have received in so many different ways in this last year, from friends hosting parties and bake sales, running sweepstakes, my niece cycling 48 miles, friends and family pushing themselves and joining in with the challenges and fundraising, people cheering me on and supporting me even in the pouring rain, sending outfits for me to wear (hmmm thanks! 😉), sharing my page and of course all the amazing people that have given money in different ways, not only my friends and family but also their friends and family! It’s been incredibly humbling and I cannot express in words how grateful I am to you all! Honestly, I know this sounds very cheesy but you are all my angels and I could not have kept going through this year without your support. This year has helped me to put a lot of things behind me, it has helped me to realise what you can achieve if you really put your mind to it, I have tested my body and improved my fitness a great deal, I spent a month focussing on Self Care and my mental health (which taught me that I need to spend way more time doing this) and I have had a great deal on fun with my friends and family. It’s been exhausting and a bit stressful at times, but I am so glad that I did it. I would probably be feeling quite sad about the fact that the year is coming to an end, if it wasn’t for the fact that it hasn’t quite yet, that one last challenge is looming, the London Marathon in April!
So here’s a little bit of information that you might not have realised.....training for a marathon is really hard!!!!!!! Yes, I know, you knew that. I knew that. So why on earth did I decide to do it?? Honestly at this moment in time I have no idea! It has always been a bit of a bucket list thing for me, I grew up watching the London Marathon every year totally inspired by all the people I watched, especially Jane Tomlinson, and telling myself that one day I would do that! As years went on that dream became more and more laughable, as if I could do something like that! No way! I put the dream aside as a stupid childhood fantasy, that is, until 2 years ago. In April 2017 I sat in the common room of the staff accommodation of Raigmore Hospital, I was tired as I’d just had my third round of chemotherapy and it was starting to take a bit more of a toll on me. I had been gaining weight at an exponential rate and was I tired from just climbing the stairs, I turned on the TV and started watching the London Marathon, as I watched the fire in my belly reignited with memories of my childhood dream, I had found something to look towards in a moment when I was really struggling to see beyond my next dose. “I’m going to do that next year” I told myself and a few days later applied for the ballot. I had a few months of both excitement and fear waiting to find out if I’d gotten a place, luckily (although disappointingly at the time) I didn’t get in. After the initial disappointment I realised that it would’ve been way too soon to attempt something so crazy, and from that my thoughts went to the smaller challenges I could do, and so in February I started my Challenges for Maggie’s. I couldn’t get the Marathon out of my head though, so when April came around I found myself once again applying for the ballot, but this time I didn’t just leave it at that, I spoke to one of the fundraisers for Maggie’s and before I knew it I had a charity place (luckily because I was once again unsuccessful with the ballot!). I was so excited, I was........but slowly fear has started to take over. I’m so much fitter than I was this time last year, but I still have a long way to go. After running the 10 mile race in October I thought I would just keep going, but a holiday in November and moving in December, not to mention Christmas, all got in the way. After just a few weeks off when I finally got back into training I felt like I was starting again from scratch! January has been tough not just on my body but also on my mind. The training has brought out all my demons, “I’m not good enough” “I can’t do it” “I’m so lazy” “everyone else is better than me” just a few of the thoughts that have been hounding me. The poor people around me have witnessed a few of my (not so) mini meltdowns and I am sure there will be more to come, but as the month has gone on I am now at least starting to feel a bit more in control of my training. Another thing I’d not quite thought about until recently were the logistics of running the London Marathon, as I started looking at hotels to book and plan my trip to London I suddenly remembered that I don’t particularly like large crowds and busy events and I'm soooooo disorganised.......hmmmmm. Part of the deal of getting a charity place for the marathon is a commitment to raise a certain amount of money, I’ve already raised so much, but now the pressure is on to keep going! Like I said, why oh why am I doing this??!!
So as I sit on this train I am feeling emotional, but not for the reasons I thought I would be, I’m feeling lucky. Lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I have a lot of demons to fight, but luckily there are a lot of angels around me to help with that. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your help and support, no matter how large or small, it means so much...... and I apologise that it’s not quite over yet! Wish me luck, I’m going to need it! Now, how many hours until I Dry January is over and I can have a G&T??!
So this date now not only signifies my annual check, but this year it also marks the end of my year of Challenges for Maggie’s! When I first had the idea last January I had no idea how this year would work out! I had no idea the amount of money I would raise, I certainly didn’t realise the crazy things people were willing to do to help me along the way. I have been so incredibly touched by all the support I have received in so many different ways in this last year, from friends hosting parties and bake sales, running sweepstakes, my niece cycling 48 miles, friends and family pushing themselves and joining in with the challenges and fundraising, people cheering me on and supporting me even in the pouring rain, sending outfits for me to wear (hmmm thanks! 😉), sharing my page and of course all the amazing people that have given money in different ways, not only my friends and family but also their friends and family! It’s been incredibly humbling and I cannot express in words how grateful I am to you all! Honestly, I know this sounds very cheesy but you are all my angels and I could not have kept going through this year without your support. This year has helped me to put a lot of things behind me, it has helped me to realise what you can achieve if you really put your mind to it, I have tested my body and improved my fitness a great deal, I spent a month focussing on Self Care and my mental health (which taught me that I need to spend way more time doing this) and I have had a great deal on fun with my friends and family. It’s been exhausting and a bit stressful at times, but I am so glad that I did it. I would probably be feeling quite sad about the fact that the year is coming to an end, if it wasn’t for the fact that it hasn’t quite yet, that one last challenge is looming, the London Marathon in April!
 |
| Feb - June 2018 |
 |
| July 2018- Jan 2019 |
So here’s a little bit of information that you might not have realised.....training for a marathon is really hard!!!!!!! Yes, I know, you knew that. I knew that. So why on earth did I decide to do it?? Honestly at this moment in time I have no idea! It has always been a bit of a bucket list thing for me, I grew up watching the London Marathon every year totally inspired by all the people I watched, especially Jane Tomlinson, and telling myself that one day I would do that! As years went on that dream became more and more laughable, as if I could do something like that! No way! I put the dream aside as a stupid childhood fantasy, that is, until 2 years ago. In April 2017 I sat in the common room of the staff accommodation of Raigmore Hospital, I was tired as I’d just had my third round of chemotherapy and it was starting to take a bit more of a toll on me. I had been gaining weight at an exponential rate and was I tired from just climbing the stairs, I turned on the TV and started watching the London Marathon, as I watched the fire in my belly reignited with memories of my childhood dream, I had found something to look towards in a moment when I was really struggling to see beyond my next dose. “I’m going to do that next year” I told myself and a few days later applied for the ballot. I had a few months of both excitement and fear waiting to find out if I’d gotten a place, luckily (although disappointingly at the time) I didn’t get in. After the initial disappointment I realised that it would’ve been way too soon to attempt something so crazy, and from that my thoughts went to the smaller challenges I could do, and so in February I started my Challenges for Maggie’s. I couldn’t get the Marathon out of my head though, so when April came around I found myself once again applying for the ballot, but this time I didn’t just leave it at that, I spoke to one of the fundraisers for Maggie’s and before I knew it I had a charity place (luckily because I was once again unsuccessful with the ballot!). I was so excited, I was........but slowly fear has started to take over. I’m so much fitter than I was this time last year, but I still have a long way to go. After running the 10 mile race in October I thought I would just keep going, but a holiday in November and moving in December, not to mention Christmas, all got in the way. After just a few weeks off when I finally got back into training I felt like I was starting again from scratch! January has been tough not just on my body but also on my mind. The training has brought out all my demons, “I’m not good enough” “I can’t do it” “I’m so lazy” “everyone else is better than me” just a few of the thoughts that have been hounding me. The poor people around me have witnessed a few of my (not so) mini meltdowns and I am sure there will be more to come, but as the month has gone on I am now at least starting to feel a bit more in control of my training. Another thing I’d not quite thought about until recently were the logistics of running the London Marathon, as I started looking at hotels to book and plan my trip to London I suddenly remembered that I don’t particularly like large crowds and busy events and I'm soooooo disorganised.......hmmmmm. Part of the deal of getting a charity place for the marathon is a commitment to raise a certain amount of money, I’ve already raised so much, but now the pressure is on to keep going! Like I said, why oh why am I doing this??!!
So as I sit on this train I am feeling emotional, but not for the reasons I thought I would be, I’m feeling lucky. Lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. I have a lot of demons to fight, but luckily there are a lot of angels around me to help with that. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your help and support, no matter how large or small, it means so much...... and I apologise that it’s not quite over yet! Wish me luck, I’m going to need it! Now, how many hours until I Dry January is over and I can have a G&T??!
Huge thank you to my wonderful sister for this book
commemerating my year of challenges, only a few tears shed...honest!
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